the reserved spaces in our hearts

Dan had mono his first year in college. I had been dating his dad for a couple months at this point and had only met him once. I took medication to him. And as I walked out of his dorm room, down the hall to the elevator, I thought to myself, "I'm completely unqualified to do this." I was in over my head. And yet by the time I got to my car, I could not deny that there was a space reserved for Dan in my heart. I could feel it, its door opened left center in my chest cavity.

The door opened again yesterday, the space had been redecorated. It belonged to his wife, Faith. She'd already moved in over a year ago, claimed our clan's name almost a year now. But I had forgotten the physical sense of this space until yesterday. Yesterday was a day for Faith. A day in the hospital, a day dreaming about grandchildren, a day praying for doctors, a day to rub Dan's back and swallow tears. It was a day to hold onto Faith.

And when I did... the door opened again in that same visceral sense that I had years ago. There was a space reserved for today. We had only to arrive with Faith.

Recreating the Big Band

Scientists have been working diligently on a particle accelerator in hopes to recreate the big bang. Beware that during the experiment there is a slight possibility that we will be dragged into a black hole.

Really?

Check out article with picture

the leadership vacuum

Last night at our Presbytery meeting, I was overwhelmed by the volatility that has obviously come from a long period of insecurity. We've held what seems to be the 4th conversation about what our executive presbytery would do, how we might pay this person in addition to an associate, and whether or not a committee can work while we're deciding. Shoot me!

If one of our churches had a meeting like this, we'd never let them have a pastor yet. We would demand an interim. Why then, at the Presbytery level, are we so afraid of having an interim? I have an idea... we lack leadership.

Here's my argument: Leaders, real leaders, know how to follow. I'm totally ready to have a leader of our Presbytery point us in a direction... I'm in. leaders know how to follow. We respond to even the idea of leadership with so much fear, I have grown to believe that we don't know how to follow, we don't want to follow, we don't want to be told what to do. We are not comfortable being led. We are not leaders ourselves.

If we were, we would welcome leadership. We would not spend over an hour arguing over a motion and an amendment to the motion that delays leadership.

stages of grief

My husband was diagnosed with MS two years ago.

We've circled through the stages of grief, always skipping the elusive final stage called "acceptance." I've learned that denial is one of the strongest forces on earth. My mood has slouched lower than I thought possible with what what "they" call "acute depression. I hope you don't mind me offering this learning: prayer is a form of bargaining. I spent long hours bargaining with God through stage 3. But it's stage 2 that I like the best.

Anger is a reasonable state of mind. Anger is easy. Anger has its own fuel source. Anger is provoked. Anger is a brewed pot of coffee ready to be poured. I return to this stage often... it's become a close friend.

The Friendship of Women by Joan Chittister

I'm working through a new book that takes great liberties with women from scripture about whom we know little. Drawing from snippets of information, the author gathers character information and then concludes behavior likened to true friends.

The most amazing part of the book so far is the historical understanding of friendship. Did you know that there was a time that the world believed women to be without the ability to develop and sustained lasting, meaningful friendship?