Starting Over

In yoga I learned that I can start over with every new breath. So, here I go - breathing in and breathing out.

Did you try it too?

I practice breathing... and starting over multiple times each day. It works most of the time on an emotional or intellectual level but in a reality, when I open my eyes or turn back to my life, things look the same.

My name is Beth and my husband has a chronic illness. He was diagnosed with MS almost five years ago. And here's the place where I like to tell folks about all the great stuff in our life because there is so many great things in our life. We have a fabulous family. Two grown boys, each maturing and interacting with the world in a way that any parent would be proud. We have a generous, loving daughter in law. Our lives are unimaginable without her. And this year we became grandparents to truly the most beautiful baby girl.

We live in a huge townhomn; I love to cook and we eat well. We belong to a farm and can enjoy local produce, appreciating the earth. To say we enjoy wine would be an understatement.

I have meaningful work - more on that later. We have amazing friends, that rare combination of people who know us and still enjoy the show.

So, my husband having MS is only a portion of my life and yet anyone dealing with a chronic illness would say that it interacts with every portion of our lives.

Our family worries and cares and watches more closely.
Assistive devices litter our home.
Our cuisine, or at least the amount of wine we drink is altered.
I must balance work more thoughtfully.
When we go out with friends, the where and when is determined by illness.

So amidst the vast amount of life running and giggling through our days, there are daily deaths that we face. And my grief button is pushed over and over again. I breathe in and breathe out, trying to start over again. But when I open my eyes, things look the same. Death is still in front of me.

It's not the "end all" death; it's a mini-death. Folks who live with chronic illness face mini-deaths every day. If you want to learn how to start over, ask them. They're experts.