Articles that people give me

A few years ago a very good friend and colleague dropped an article on my desk that began with the statistic, "72% of marriages dealing with chronic illness ends in divorce."  The statistic was in a larger font than the rest of the article.  I gulped the sentence down in one bite, put the article down and never read the rest of it.

Married people who are struggling with a chronic illness don't need an article to tell them that marriages suffer when facing a chronic illness.  They may, however, need someone to keep the sharp objects out of reach.

About a month later, my dad gave me an article entitled, "Resilient People."  Out of sheer rebellion left over from adolescence, I stuck the article in my briefcase and never read it.  From time to time, my dad would quote the article in conversation though saying things like, "Well Beth, it's like the article said, resilient people take care of themselves.  They eat right, exercise, or take time for themselves."  It's not just resilient people that do that... healthy people do that.  And I spend more energy and time taking care of myself than anyone I know.

I eat slow cooked, local, fresh food.  I bake my own bread.  I enjoy the process of cooking and take time for it regularly.  I journal.  I sleep well.  I exercise... fairly regularly.  I go to yoga weekly.  I have great friends and I talk to them regularly.  I recently began taking medication (eventually that'll make its way into the blog but not today).  I've gone to therapy, with and without Pete.  And now, I'm writing a blog that's helping me to get my thoughts out.

People who need to take care of themselves don't need an article about taking care of themselves.  They need someone to a. plan something fun to do that has nothing to do with caregiving or their spouse that is ill and b. pick them up to go do that fun thing.  (By the way, tomorrow I'm going to Lillith Fair with my girlfriends... who thought of the idea for me, purchased tickets for me and are driving me to the concert.)

The issues of taking care of one's marriage and taking care of one's self are intertwined.  I married my friend.  Pete and I enjoy being together.  We enjoy talking and having coffee.  We enjoy watching movies.  We enjoy our home and our family.  When illness strikes, life changes in big ways an in small ways.  The small ways are often hardest to recognize.  And that makes taking care of marriage and taking care of self complicated.

For example, Pete doesn't drive right now.  Before his illness, I did most of the driving but now I have to do all the driving.  Most of the time, it feels normal.  But sometimes it backs up on me and I am reminded of this new obligation.

Pete is on disability and so he's home now.  I used to work from home sometimes.  But now, I'm never home alone anymore.  It took me a long time to realize that this was making me batty.

The other day, Pete made a point of asking me out to lunch.  On our way to this little sandwich dive that we've been talking about, I realized that we hadn't discussed whether it's accessible to him.  I was aware that people stared at him as he went through the door with his walker.  I was aware that people glanced at me too.  We can't go anywhere without it being a production.  I get out of the car, pop the trunk, get Pete's walker, bring it to him.  I open the door.  I'm not bitter, it just is our new reality.

So, when people ask me how I'm doing I answer by telling them how Pete is doing.  There's only one person who has mentioned it.  She is also a caregiver to her spouse who suffers with a form of dementia.  She said, "Isn't it interesting that in answer to how are you, we talk about how our spouse is doing?"  We both agree that how our spouse is doing is intertwined with how we're doing.  If Pete's having a bad day, my agenda changes.  If he's having a good week, I take on more activity.

72% of marriages dealing with a chronic illness still end in divorce.  And resilient people continue to take care of themselves.  And truth be told, I'm glad for both of the articles that I didn't read.  I don't mean to be arrogant in saying that I didn't need an article to tell me about taking care of my marriage or taking care of myself.  I did however need to have people on my team who think that taking care of my marriage and taking care of myself is important.  I may not have read what they gave me but I have and will continue to take their advice.